I am, quite possibly, the world’s lightest sleeper. I can be woken up by anything, including but not limited to: snoring, traffic, people talking outside, the tv in the living room, a spastic cat doing lord knows what to the carpeting in the bedroom, the bar outside my bedroom window playing loud music into the night, the fiance coming in to bed, an invisible spider walking on the ceiling, the list goes on and on.
As S likes to say, “A mouse outside on the sidewalk could fart and it would wake you up.”
Well said, honey. He likes to tell me this whenever I complain about his snoring. Like it’s my fault that it keeps me awake all night.
My point is that I am not capable of a good night’s sleep. Oh, I can fall asleep with the best of ’em. I can’t remember the last time I made it through a movie on the couch. I have a Pavlovian response to the DVD player. It plays a movie, I fall asleep. The problem is in the staying asleep. I routinely spend nights tossing and turning, waking up exhausted. I usually crash sometime in the afternoon, feeling like I need to take a nap. Right now.
So last night I had had enough. I dug up a pair of foam ear plugs out of the junk drawer in the kitchen. They look like this:
I rolled the little suckers up, shoved them down my ear canals, and voila! Now I wouldn’t describe what I heard next as silence. It was, as I came to realize, the sound of the inside of my head. Slightly muted, slightly ringy, slightly breathy. And what happened next was nothing short of a miracle. Three hours of uninterrupted sleep! It was magical.
That is, until it became painful. That is what woke me up after the blissful three hours. Pain in the ear. I was forced to remove the plugs (which I have determined to be too fat and/or not soft enough for my ears). As I tossed and turned for the remainder of the night, I decided that from now on I will be on a quest. A quest for the most comfortable, perfect ear plug out there. One that will allow me to sleep uninterrupted through an entire night. Does it exist? It has to, and I will find it.